Wednesday, 3/11/2003.
I think this is my third or fourth attempt to write about my feelings and anything associated with them for this moment. I woke up tonight with the same lonely and confused feelings, mixed together. And guilty for some raunchy action that I did last weekend. Guilty for not holding my action, and also for not getting any satisfaction out of it.
Right now, I felt foolish. First, because of my decision to drop the lab. That’s the only class that causes me to delay my graduation at this university. Reason because I dropped was because I was afraid to give presentation again after been fired the day before. Fear is a part of it. The other reason is, I hate going to class as I can’t talk fluently in English and don’t know with whom I might be having conversation with. Many people in the class and I end up doing my own business. I feel like I’m a jerk or a loser. Also, I feel stupid as I can’t explain or understand what I learnt. Gosh, my feelings and reasoning senses mixed up here. That’s why I always throw away everything I wrote.
I always care about my feelings. For me, I am quite a sensitive guy. I developed this personality since I was a child, always attaching myself to my mother, or other female siblings, and listened to their gossips. I like listening to people’s talking. I get stories, widen my horizon of the world I lived in. or perhaps, the reason why I don’t come out with my own original stories but retelling others’ stories to people whom I know. Sometimes, when people asked me to describe who I am, I can’t start with an interesting story because, firstly, I can’t think of one on the spot, and secondly, I don’t tell. I never try to get to know anyone. Usually they just came and relationship begun. I never intended or work hard on this, but when I get along, I really get along. That’s why I always think love or relationship click. Sometimes, relationships or friendships don’t work out, although I put intentions on it. It does disappoint me a lot but I have to say, or admit, perhaps I am better off alone and knowing a few people, although at a certain point, I don’t feel at ease when I’m with them.
Thursday, 3/11/03
Sometimes, I think life would be easier if I have money and could plan my life with the pace that I wanted. Not because I think money could do anything, which is true in some cases, but don’t have to deal with all the bullshit things that pressing me down. Anyway, what’s the purpose of trying hard, getting a degree if not getting money to compensate all those tuition fees during college years? But I wasn’t born in a wealthy Arab family or in the royal Brunei families that money isn’t a problem for them. My parents still looking at me as someone who could bring wealth and elegance into the house, as my father and my brothers can’t make it. The youngest one to make a difference; well, better looks at the deal again.
Right now, I just think, people just don’t care of what I’m facing. With everything dooms, how could I think about anything that cheers me up? I can’t even sleep at night. I sleep either late evening and wake up at midnight or sleep at dawn and wake up 2 or 3 o’clock in the morning. I think I am mentally sick and this sickness is trying to assimilate with me. And I become afraid of everything, people, everything. I couldn’t see myself in the crowd. It just seems ridiculous because it’s better off without me. For the I don’t know how many times, I just want to lay on bed and get laid or drunk or high and tomorrow, hopefully somebody finds me and rushes me to the hospital. I don’t want to die but what’s the meaning of life if I can’t even have one? I wish I have money so that I could go home, relax, spending time with my parents, family, nieces and nephew and enjoying the view of my house, of the river, of the island, of everything that I was so proud all these years. When I don’t know how to deal with anything I have or lining up in front of me, let’s say, I don’t want to deal with it. Go fuck everything. And that’s it. Fuck everything, including me.
I’m escaping adult responsibilities, yes I do. Why? I don’t know why…and hate to ask why. And fuck this thing by the way. Fuck all those bullshit feelings, looking ahead, thinking positive and everything the self-help guru is telling you. How many motivations, learning camps and all those which I considered bullshits have I attended? Why can’t I make use all I learnt from them? What’s so stubborn inside me that I can’t let go of my bad, fear behavior and embrace the lovely life like the happy people have? What’s wrong with me? What did I do wrong? Why I become like this? Where the fuck all these fears struck my life? When the fuck this things want to get rid of me, huh? When I can be happy with nothing ever press me down, ever pointing finger to me of what I’m supposed to do? When I can be free? Where the fuck is comfort at the time when I most need it? Why can’t I just do what I want? What I want?
I think, if I cannot get out of my problem, perhaps the process of destroying me is going to get started. Don’t know how but I think bad things happen to me although I don’t want it. How’s it going to be like? I don’t even have any idea but I hope it is not destroying me. I’m a fucked up. I can’t think of anything else.
