four more days to go. then, i'll b leaving my lovely home, my hometown, my family. this summer changed me, if not a lot, a bit. seeing my family, relatives and my friends' faces really cheered me up. although my relationship with my father is not getting any better than what i expected, i relised that i love him so much. so much as the other member of the family. mummy, especially. she put her hopes a lot on me and i'm really afraid to dissappoint her. just she doesn't know ho hard for me to face another environment that, in the first place, i don't have any clear idea how it is going to shape my life. mentality of each person and its perception is different. but, we are still heading towards the same destination based on what our objective is. when i think back, every man's objective is really coming from their purely crystallic heart. but when the implementation takes place, there we'll see who's going to succeed and who's going to fall. or, it is the matter of time. there's no specific way of determining one's way to achieve it's own goal, whether personal, career or other aspects.


i am surfing here with my younger brother. i want him to succeed like i did in high school but the way i see him, i don't know whether my wish could come true. no one' to blame for omebody else's fault, success or failure. but, being a family, the reponsibility is there and the feling guilty is next to it if something wrong happens. how i always think too much but doen't have the guts to realize it. sometimes, i questioned myself, whether i should be proud of calling myself a man because my action and behavior is not always like the one i imagined man does. where the hell is my courage and bravery? i think it scares me a lot when i have to think of how to support myself in the future. my basis is not too strong, i think. this adds more insecurity to what i already had. and, jerry wasn't there to give his comforting touches. i felt cheated and foolish. however, when i thought that i wasn't too involved in that kind of silly chat game relationship, i felt fine. i don't loose anything. just, i don't understand how man can be such a pain in the neck when it comes to relationship and trust. the moment when i could remember jerry is when i felt lonely and horny. another time, he's a history.


now is the time to regain strength and lead the life that is full of everlasting love and blessing from God Almighty and my both beloved parents. how divine it is when i feel that i have the strength to lead my life in the way i wanted and fated. till next time...