Cinta

I found my old blog with one draft in it. After 10 years, I decided to post this online.

I just finished watching this one Malay movie, Cinta. I should say that I love this movie. Perhaps, the idea to create this movie may come from its British counterpart, Love Actually...but this one has been tailored to fit the Malaysian environment and lifestyle. I love it, especially when a local film has a good plot for the audience to relate.

Cinta or Love is basically about love, either to create a new love or to maintain the love that has been around. There are five relationships that are described in this movie: family (2), lovers (2), and companionship. This movie has made me thinking that what have I done for love all my life and is there in particular, somebody I love?

I don't know whether loves actually lead me to a better life or otherwise. Right now, I'm not thinking much about love, or I don't realise whether love is there for me. I know that i love my family so much that I wouldn't allow anyone to hurt anyone in my family. But, have I taken enough action to prove that? I think, I'm just thinking of it more than taking any action to prove it. Love comes from heart, and is it beneficial? I don't know.

A sister cares for his younger brother (Nanu and Que). He loves his sister too but, both lead different lives. The sister is more realistic, thinking of money, financial security and stuff but the brother lives in his own persona of being a street artist. Both have the thoughts of the flaw in each other's life. But God has shown the way that usually the elder loves the younger one more. Nanu doesn't care about the complication and willing to sacifice her heart (or kidney?) for Que.

There are many situations like this happening, if not in Malaysia but in the world. Usually the parents sacrifice whatever most important to them to their children, even their own life. I would never know whether I have the guts to do what these people would do. I did see from the news that parents ask donation from the public as to support their little children's critical operation. What makes them so brave to sacrifice their little dignity to appear on public TV and ask for money? What makes people willing to sacrifice their lives for the sake of other people's lives? I wonder how Allah gives them the courage to take action, even though they know the chances of living is 50-50. Am I going to face this sort of situation? Let's Allah decides.

Hello semua :)
Lama gila babai aku tak tulis blog aku ni. hidup aku macam tu la jugak. still to say macam gampang lagi. dah 3 , 4 tahum aku tak tulis blog nie. memang membazir masa pun sebenarnya tapi sebab membazir masa is fun, aku turut je la.

the last posting that i wrote was 4 years ago. masa tu aku tengah belajar kat university of minnesota, minneapolis, USA. Kellas.....aku ni overseas grad tapi takde la secemerlang mana pun. petronas sponsored. pegi pun memula gegila studiks tapi 2-3 tahun lepas tu rasa macam puki je...tak minat. so, sebab satu malaya dah tau aku ni gi overseas, kena la habiskan jugak degree. finally selepas berdrama selama 4.5 tahun aku grad. bachelor in chemical engineering lagi beb, bukan memain.

lepas tu aku balik. rileks sekejap and kerja dengan petronas. kerja kat petronas plant. ok la boleh katakan. hari ni aku bangun lambat so aku tak datang keje. esok la aku datang sebab aku dah datang malam tadi. bukannya buat apa pun, tengok DCS tapi fahams. macam pukie jer.

aku nak gi potong rambut lepas ni. rambut aku pun macam pukie jer. macam gampang. plant aku baru nak start up 2-3 hari ni. bagi aku start up jer la. aku read reports SS & operators, tahu la lebih kurang apa masalah dengan progress, lepas tu balik.

giler lama siot aku tak karang-mengarang benda-benda bodoh pasal life aku ni. aku kat malaysia sekarang, tengah sangap....sangap yang amat. otak aku kosong, macam paku kena pantak dengan penukul. sekali sebut baru la nak jalan. bodoh giler babi.

update diri aku lepas balik US ni:
1. dah ada degree. overseas degree tapi tak ingat langsung bende yg aku belajar
2. kerje - kekadang OK tapi selalunya down
3. single - sexual life nil. tak tahan gak kengkadang
4. ada mak je. abah dah meninggal. sedih gak, muda lagi dah takde bapak. dah aku selalu hidup jauh dengan keluarga, masa dah balik malaysia tak sempat spend time lelama dengan bapak aku, dah bapak aku mati pulak. haiii....
5. takde harte lagi. ader kereta je sebijik tapi macam nak kong dah. gampang betul.

itu jer la kot. aku malas nak post pasal bersih dengan hindraf riot. bagi aku kalau tak suka tingal kat negara ni, keluar la. tak payah buat cerita. mana ada kerajaan yang bersih 100% dalam dunia ni. mana ada politician yg tak corrupt? semua orang corrupt sekarang, yang bising-bidsing mintak bersih pun sama jugak. just because korang makan gaji tak semestinya korang tu bagus sangat. tapi orang masuk politik malaysia ni memang nak kaya. pedulik apa nak majukan orang lain. cakap saja, yang penting diri sendiri mesti lebih dulu dari orang lain.

last note, bilik rumah sewa aku macam gampang. tak kemas langsung. aku nak tulis lagi lepas ni sebab bila aku mati esok, aku nak jilid benda ni buat buku, coffee table book. hahhhahhahahha.

Wednesday, 3/11/2003.

I think this is my third or fourth attempt to write about my feelings and anything associated with them for this moment. I woke up tonight with the same lonely and confused feelings, mixed together. And guilty for some raunchy action that I did last weekend. Guilty for not holding my action, and also for not getting any satisfaction out of it.

Right now, I felt foolish. First, because of my decision to drop the lab. That’s the only class that causes me to delay my graduation at this university. Reason because I dropped was because I was afraid to give presentation again after been fired the day before. Fear is a part of it. The other reason is, I hate going to class as I can’t talk fluently in English and don’t know with whom I might be having conversation with. Many people in the class and I end up doing my own business. I feel like I’m a jerk or a loser. Also, I feel stupid as I can’t explain or understand what I learnt. Gosh, my feelings and reasoning senses mixed up here. That’s why I always throw away everything I wrote.

I always care about my feelings. For me, I am quite a sensitive guy. I developed this personality since I was a child, always attaching myself to my mother, or other female siblings, and listened to their gossips. I like listening to people’s talking. I get stories, widen my horizon of the world I lived in. or perhaps, the reason why I don’t come out with my own original stories but retelling others’ stories to people whom I know. Sometimes, when people asked me to describe who I am, I can’t start with an interesting story because, firstly, I can’t think of one on the spot, and secondly, I don’t tell. I never try to get to know anyone. Usually they just came and relationship begun. I never intended or work hard on this, but when I get along, I really get along. That’s why I always think love or relationship click. Sometimes, relationships or friendships don’t work out, although I put intentions on it. It does disappoint me a lot but I have to say, or admit, perhaps I am better off alone and knowing a few people, although at a certain point, I don’t feel at ease when I’m with them.

Thursday, 3/11/03

Sometimes, I think life would be easier if I have money and could plan my life with the pace that I wanted. Not because I think money could do anything, which is true in some cases, but don’t have to deal with all the bullshit things that pressing me down. Anyway, what’s the purpose of trying hard, getting a degree if not getting money to compensate all those tuition fees during college years? But I wasn’t born in a wealthy Arab family or in the royal Brunei families that money isn’t a problem for them. My parents still looking at me as someone who could bring wealth and elegance into the house, as my father and my brothers can’t make it. The youngest one to make a difference; well, better looks at the deal again.

Right now, I just think, people just don’t care of what I’m facing. With everything dooms, how could I think about anything that cheers me up? I can’t even sleep at night. I sleep either late evening and wake up at midnight or sleep at dawn and wake up 2 or 3 o’clock in the morning. I think I am mentally sick and this sickness is trying to assimilate with me. And I become afraid of everything, people, everything. I couldn’t see myself in the crowd. It just seems ridiculous because it’s better off without me. For the I don’t know how many times, I just want to lay on bed and get laid or drunk or high and tomorrow, hopefully somebody finds me and rushes me to the hospital. I don’t want to die but what’s the meaning of life if I can’t even have one? I wish I have money so that I could go home, relax, spending time with my parents, family, nieces and nephew and enjoying the view of my house, of the river, of the island, of everything that I was so proud all these years. When I don’t know how to deal with anything I have or lining up in front of me, let’s say, I don’t want to deal with it. Go fuck everything. And that’s it. Fuck everything, including me.

I’m escaping adult responsibilities, yes I do. Why? I don’t know why…and hate to ask why. And fuck this thing by the way. Fuck all those bullshit feelings, looking ahead, thinking positive and everything the self-help guru is telling you. How many motivations, learning camps and all those which I considered bullshits have I attended? Why can’t I make use all I learnt from them? What’s so stubborn inside me that I can’t let go of my bad, fear behavior and embrace the lovely life like the happy people have? What’s wrong with me? What did I do wrong? Why I become like this? Where the fuck all these fears struck my life? When the fuck this things want to get rid of me, huh? When I can be happy with nothing ever press me down, ever pointing finger to me of what I’m supposed to do? When I can be free? Where the fuck is comfort at the time when I most need it? Why can’t I just do what I want? What I want?

I think, if I cannot get out of my problem, perhaps the process of destroying me is going to get started. Don’t know how but I think bad things happen to me although I don’t want it. How’s it going to be like? I don’t even have any idea but I hope it is not destroying me. I’m a fucked up. I can’t think of anything else.

four more days to go. then, i'll b leaving my lovely home, my hometown, my family. this summer changed me, if not a lot, a bit. seeing my family, relatives and my friends' faces really cheered me up. although my relationship with my father is not getting any better than what i expected, i relised that i love him so much. so much as the other member of the family. mummy, especially. she put her hopes a lot on me and i'm really afraid to dissappoint her. just she doesn't know ho hard for me to face another environment that, in the first place, i don't have any clear idea how it is going to shape my life. mentality of each person and its perception is different. but, we are still heading towards the same destination based on what our objective is. when i think back, every man's objective is really coming from their purely crystallic heart. but when the implementation takes place, there we'll see who's going to succeed and who's going to fall. or, it is the matter of time. there's no specific way of determining one's way to achieve it's own goal, whether personal, career or other aspects.


i am surfing here with my younger brother. i want him to succeed like i did in high school but the way i see him, i don't know whether my wish could come true. no one' to blame for omebody else's fault, success or failure. but, being a family, the reponsibility is there and the feling guilty is next to it if something wrong happens. how i always think too much but doen't have the guts to realize it. sometimes, i questioned myself, whether i should be proud of calling myself a man because my action and behavior is not always like the one i imagined man does. where the hell is my courage and bravery? i think it scares me a lot when i have to think of how to support myself in the future. my basis is not too strong, i think. this adds more insecurity to what i already had. and, jerry wasn't there to give his comforting touches. i felt cheated and foolish. however, when i thought that i wasn't too involved in that kind of silly chat game relationship, i felt fine. i don't loose anything. just, i don't understand how man can be such a pain in the neck when it comes to relationship and trust. the moment when i could remember jerry is when i felt lonely and horny. another time, he's a history.


now is the time to regain strength and lead the life that is full of everlasting love and blessing from God Almighty and my both beloved parents. how divine it is when i feel that i have the strength to lead my life in the way i wanted and fated. till next time...

i love my father although sometimes i really hate what he did. the gap between me and my father is getting farther, i think. that's what i feel these days. i don't know anything that could bring that gap closer. sometimes i think that we are two separate persons who are not even connected. what's left of him to me is that he's the fact is my father. other than that, i can't tell. yesterday was really made me quite exploded. i feel like so cheap by his action. that was so stupid.

pity mum. i always make her sad. i'm sorry, truly sorry but maybe i'm weak like dad too. there's one thing i want for this return. don't pick me up. i don't want to. also i'd like to inform that i might not stay at home for long. i want to travel. i don't want to stuck at home, which is so bored that drives me mad sometimes. i know that there's no reason for me to think like that but what i want to tell is that i tend to feel pissed off when i don't get what i want. and why the hell eveything at home was the same or i could say worse? isn't there any happy or good news to be shared?

maybe all of you don't expect what misery that i could bring. i could say, frustration would drive everybody mad. one by one will go down. and why should i get into this situation? isn't that enough miserability we had? i'm sorry because my good minds weren't with you guys. i just go home, see your faces and i don't know what i'll be doing next. seriously, i don't feel like staying at home for long.

summer holiday has already come. thank goodness for this gift. i feel good although i lost my words to describe this any further. it's just that...i feel good. serene. and i love it.

seperti biasa life sucks. i feel so damn tired of over eating this afternoon. thanks to amilin and ed for be there when i went to bangkok. hari ni, aku orang paling last checked out. aku rasa TA tu bengang kot sebab tunggu aku. kesian gak, tapi macam la dia baik sangat. and my response is as usual. who give a damn anyway about that? my lab reports were so doomed. the thought that i might repeat this class might become true. but i don't want to take this fucking bloody hell class anymore. what for? yeah. what for? for me, just go to hell with it. the final is just a week more. shit, i still don't prepare for it. after all these gloomy moments and days, i think i wanna let go of everything. if i have to answer this with petronas, i just do it. i don't want to create burden for me anymore. sometimes i am so confused with what happened to me. i am so lost in this material world. i am so bored and lonely. i hate when my life is troublesome. i hate writing in english. i hate myself even more.

hmmm...summer is within 2 more weeks. NYC here i come. malaysia, thank god for the second chance.