Right now, I want to live. I don’t want to feel the pain of death inside my brain, my heart and me. Today is Tuesday. As yesterday, I don’t do anything interesting that could get me out of this boredom. I feel myself some kinda loser. Hate to admit it but that what I think I am at this moment. Here, I sit on front of my computer and typing all these bullshit that I think could make me feel good. To tell the truth, I don’t think it could change me a bit. But, instead of doing nothing, I write something.

I escaped lectures and recitations since yesterday. I don’t feel like attending classes. If I’m working, I’ll be fired straight away. There’s no enthusiasm in life anymore. Going to the same place all the time with the same thing happens over and over again. I hate to get the note from other people, for which I did only to Zaza. I blame myself for causing her that trouble but I have no idea of correcting myself right now. Sometimes, I wonder, where the hell my guts have gone? How am I going to stand up in this forceful and cruel world?

I woke up and listening to songs that I downloaded from the Internet. There are a few songs that I really like to listen, so I play them over and over again for hours. I don’t know whether my housemate feel offended with it. I never asked. If I asked, he said he hears nothing. Like the phone also, there’s no use for me to pick it up because everybody is asking, “Is Kobe there?” My respond is, “He’s not here.” If I’m lucky I could still prolong the conversation like, “You want to leave a message for him?” If they don’t hang up that fast. Usually they are.

Since last week, I try to finish my homework, which are not finished yet. I hate homework because I don’t know how to do it. Prof or TA’s office seem so distant to me. Hey, I don’t even attend classes, and what do you guys expect? Tomorrow’s lab seems quite a head-spinning one. For me, at least. I hope my lab partner does get the message that I emailed him. I don’t pick up my exams yet, which I don’t expect I’ll be on average because I didn’t fucking know how to do it. I did the exercises and they were all fine. Why the hell I couldn’t do the exam? I’m so damn disappointed for along time. I feel crushed, stupid, betrayed, nonchalant or what fuck it is. I am drowned in my own stupidity and stubbornness. I feel dumb. Unlucky and dumb.

I want to go out now because I want sunlight to touch my skin. I want to get myself some relaxation. I want to write something meaningful and happy after this. No more blaming and negative thinking. No more….