four more days to go. then, i'll b leaving my lovely home, my hometown, my family. this summer changed me, if not a lot, a bit. seeing my family, relatives and my friends' faces really cheered me up. although my relationship with my father is not getting any better than what i expected, i relised that i love him so much. so much as the other member of the family. mummy, especially. she put her hopes a lot on me and i'm really afraid to dissappoint her. just she doesn't know ho hard for me to face another environment that, in the first place, i don't have any clear idea how it is going to shape my life. mentality of each person and its perception is different. but, we are still heading towards the same destination based on what our objective is. when i think back, every man's objective is really coming from their purely crystallic heart. but when the implementation takes place, there we'll see who's going to succeed and who's going to fall. or, it is the matter of time. there's no specific way of determining one's way to achieve it's own goal, whether personal, career or other aspects.


i am surfing here with my younger brother. i want him to succeed like i did in high school but the way i see him, i don't know whether my wish could come true. no one' to blame for omebody else's fault, success or failure. but, being a family, the reponsibility is there and the feling guilty is next to it if something wrong happens. how i always think too much but doen't have the guts to realize it. sometimes, i questioned myself, whether i should be proud of calling myself a man because my action and behavior is not always like the one i imagined man does. where the hell is my courage and bravery? i think it scares me a lot when i have to think of how to support myself in the future. my basis is not too strong, i think. this adds more insecurity to what i already had. and, jerry wasn't there to give his comforting touches. i felt cheated and foolish. however, when i thought that i wasn't too involved in that kind of silly chat game relationship, i felt fine. i don't loose anything. just, i don't understand how man can be such a pain in the neck when it comes to relationship and trust. the moment when i could remember jerry is when i felt lonely and horny. another time, he's a history.


now is the time to regain strength and lead the life that is full of everlasting love and blessing from God Almighty and my both beloved parents. how divine it is when i feel that i have the strength to lead my life in the way i wanted and fated. till next time...

i love my father although sometimes i really hate what he did. the gap between me and my father is getting farther, i think. that's what i feel these days. i don't know anything that could bring that gap closer. sometimes i think that we are two separate persons who are not even connected. what's left of him to me is that he's the fact is my father. other than that, i can't tell. yesterday was really made me quite exploded. i feel like so cheap by his action. that was so stupid.

pity mum. i always make her sad. i'm sorry, truly sorry but maybe i'm weak like dad too. there's one thing i want for this return. don't pick me up. i don't want to. also i'd like to inform that i might not stay at home for long. i want to travel. i don't want to stuck at home, which is so bored that drives me mad sometimes. i know that there's no reason for me to think like that but what i want to tell is that i tend to feel pissed off when i don't get what i want. and why the hell eveything at home was the same or i could say worse? isn't there any happy or good news to be shared?

maybe all of you don't expect what misery that i could bring. i could say, frustration would drive everybody mad. one by one will go down. and why should i get into this situation? isn't that enough miserability we had? i'm sorry because my good minds weren't with you guys. i just go home, see your faces and i don't know what i'll be doing next. seriously, i don't feel like staying at home for long.

summer holiday has already come. thank goodness for this gift. i feel good although i lost my words to describe this any further. it's just that...i feel good. serene. and i love it.

seperti biasa life sucks. i feel so damn tired of over eating this afternoon. thanks to amilin and ed for be there when i went to bangkok. hari ni, aku orang paling last checked out. aku rasa TA tu bengang kot sebab tunggu aku. kesian gak, tapi macam la dia baik sangat. and my response is as usual. who give a damn anyway about that? my lab reports were so doomed. the thought that i might repeat this class might become true. but i don't want to take this fucking bloody hell class anymore. what for? yeah. what for? for me, just go to hell with it. the final is just a week more. shit, i still don't prepare for it. after all these gloomy moments and days, i think i wanna let go of everything. if i have to answer this with petronas, i just do it. i don't want to create burden for me anymore. sometimes i am so confused with what happened to me. i am so lost in this material world. i am so bored and lonely. i hate when my life is troublesome. i hate writing in english. i hate myself even more.

hmmm...summer is within 2 more weeks. NYC here i come. malaysia, thank god for the second chance.

aku baru lepas tengok muka aku kat cermin. parut jerawat tak payah cerita la. makan junk food macam sial hari ni. homework still tak siap lagi. hari ni rasa best. aku nak periksa tiga minggu lagi. iiiii....bestnya tak lama lagi cuti. makan punya makan hari ni aku rasa nak muntah. tapi tak sebab aku stop makan lepas tu. hari ni aku nak terfikirkan fasal mati. kenapa la aku tak pernah prepare untuk mati. loser betul aku ni. betul la dunia sebenarnya takde apa. Ya Allah, tunjukkanlah aku jalan yang benar.

Come Undone
(written by Duran Duran)

Mine, immaculate dream, made breath and skin, I've been waiting for you,
Signed, with a home tattoo, Happy birthday to you was created for you.

(Can't ever keep from falling apart.. At the seams)
(Can't I believe you're taking my heart.. to pieces)

Ahh, it'll take a little time, might take a little crime to come undone
Now we'll try to stay blind, to the hope and fear outside,
Hey child, stay wilder than the wind
And blow me in to cry.

Who do you need?
Who do you love?
When you come undone.

(chorus)

Words, playing me deja vu, Like a radio tune I swear I've heard before,
Chill, is it something real, Or the magic I'm feeding off your fingers

(Can't ever keep from falling apart.. at the seams)
(Can I believe you're taking my heart.. to pieces)

Lost, in a snow filled sky, we'll make it alright, to come undone,
Now we'll try to stay blind, to the hope and fear outside,
Hey child, stay wilder than the wind -
And blow me in to cry.

(chorus)

fade...

IT'S SAD THAT I'M ALREADY DEAD ALTHOUGH I'M STILL BREATHING.

i already made a decision to go home this july. 2nd of july to be exact. flying with MAS, i hope and with hasnor, a malaysian buddy here. good lord, april is almost come to the end. i just wanna this semester to be over in a blink but who am i to challenge God's power in time setting. not faster or slower even for a second. Subhanallah. i just finished my third heat exam and i hope, for the third time, i could pass this course so that i don't have to repeat it. what have i done? well, just wait for the grade to turn up. then, i 'll think what i'll do.

this june, i want to complete all the undone assignments of asian-american literature and ethics. luckily hasnor is also taking ethics. so, i could seek help from him in writing those essays. and, for the literature, thanks to farah's file. i hope i could finish all the assignments within a month period. i don't have time at all for all this. i think, although it's horrible, for the sake of not failing, just do it.

when i look back to my mood today, i am not in angry or lost mood. hey, that's good! but wait until the lab time. i hope i just prepare the solution this time. or, whatever easy jobs that i could do. although the lab is not that difficult (i don't know yet!), i think i'll do whatever task that could be allocated to each person for three-member group. i just want to complete the lab today ASAP because i want to go home and sleep .tomorrow, i'll have class at eight and i have to attend this class. stop skipping class for now, although the 4102 recitation seems kinda uncomfortable to sit in. oh goodness, if life could be easier for me.

i am a good guy. i should end up good.

today, i keep listening to the soong sisters main theme song. it was composed by kitaro. for hours and hours i keep listening to it. look what the sound could change the mood or tone of my day. i like the way the orchestral instruments sounds, espescially violin and flute. or, other eastern traditional instrument. it is me and i really could feel it. the passion, the struggle and the sacrifice that either jeopardize or make somebody free. kitaro really catches the mood of the entire story. thumbs up to him.

when i watched the soong sisters film, my feeling towards my family can't be kept inside. i'm so longing for them that i want to be home to see their faces, one by one. today, a bad news just struck me although not that hard. my eldest sister lost her pregnancy due to high blood pressure. i'm so sad hearing this news. she had done her best up to the eight month of pregnancy. but who can say no to what God has already prescribed? this is her thid time losing her child, second for pregnancy. i hope she's OK. i don't want to loose a sister, the one who really, really close to me since the day i was born.

what i'm gonna do tomorrow? what could i say. i have lab on wednesday hich i need to complete. i still don't finish my lab report which is due in wednesday. this is suck. i need to do something about this. i'm quite difficult in writing the things like this. oh my God, help me please. tomorrow, i think we're going to complete the quiz which is still not complete yesterday. i need to read the example problem before i go to the class tomorrow. oh, there's also HW which id due on thursday, friday (2). this weekend? hmmm....i wanna go shopping or window shopping. at least go out from this dinkytown area. arrrrggghhhhh......finish what should be finished first. and life will be going on as usual. welcome, morning.

hari ni tak berubah dari semalam. so, mengikut pendapat ulama, hancur la aku ni. mmg begitu la keadaannya. aku spent weekend kat rumah hasnor. sekurang-kurangnya ada la benda yg nak dicakapkan. today, i had kinetics examn which i was not enthusiastically taking it.what the fuck anyway. blank and miserable, that was how i could describe myself at that time. i didn't study for it anyway. no pain no gain. miraculously, it's true.

stop talking about exam and the other class bullshits. i am confirmed to return home this summer. for pleasure purposes, of course. although at first i planned to take early flight with zaza and izham, but i changed my mind when hasnor came to suggest that we sould spend a bit of summer here and for more important reason for him is to manage his moving out job. since i could go home with him and why do i spend 3 months in malaysia anyway attitude, i agreed to take the saem flight with him. since we can't stop in LA (fuck off!), we just take a continous flight from MSP to KUL, with a few transits. therefore, that one is settled.

HW: all courses have workloads to be done. feel like doing it? nay, feel like copying others. what the fuck am i doing here? first objective? who give a fuck anyway...
at the time like this, i feel like having sex or got drunk, the two things that i have to avoid. religious reason. thank god, i could still control myself from doing those. thank god. thanks a lot. so, how bad i feel, still i could control myself. where the hell i learn that? who knows? what the fuck to do with it? for my own purposes, of course.

anyone watched six feet under or queer as folk? the former kind like family life, crisis or what the heck happening in an american family. not mine, so i don't give a fuck anyway. QAF? yikes, what the fuck is that! this is far more horrible than lalat's male-male bonding. so, to lalat, your male-male bonding is not reaching that level yet. p/s: take care of yourself. to amilin: what the fuck is that? men having sex? luckily we are in america where samsurin welch is already out of the closet. hish...download other shows OK? kidding. who give a fuck anyway, right?

i enjoy writing like this. seriously. but too self-centered. what about others i need to tell? later, when i mix around, hahaha. any thought for today? thank god in today's world i'm not enslaved by people. the gift as a free man really change the humanity. a simple thought but powerful impact. but why still men are not giving a fuck? because people who don't think is stupid!

AND, WHO GIVE A FUCK ANYWAY?

hari ni aku asyik dengar lagu m. nasir, "raikan cinta". ada rentak arab sikit, flute and apa-apa lagi. tapi aku rasa lagu tu mmg sedap. other's opinion, i don't know. lama dah aku tak menulis bebenda yg merapu mcm ni. hari ni, aku sepatutnya siapkan HW aku yg tak siap-siap lagi. kesian aku. aku rasa mcm nak nangis hari ni. tak tau sbb apa tapi rasa kosong. hati dah mati kot, na'uzubillah. mak aku selalu cakap kita tak boleh cakap or mintak beda yg tak baik. betul. takleh mintak benda yg tak baik. entahlah. mintak-mintak la ada benda baik datang. dlm hidup aku, aku asyik fikir pasal akademik je. bila tak score terasa life lingkup lak. siot la HW anal chem tadi. aku dah rasa OK dah hari ni. tetiba blank balik. blank. blank. sedih tapi tak tunjuk reaction. hipochrite to self. self-lying. that's what i'm always doing anyway.
aku dah dua minggu tak mandi wajib. sembahyang jgn cakap la. kafir ke aku ni? pengetahuan agama ada tapi amalan takde. apsal la aku mengfucked-upkan life aku sendiri. dgn bilik yg mcm sial. tak kemas langsung. bersepah mcm rumah pendatang haram. saat-saat mcm ni, aku teringatkan mak bapak aku. aku tak tau la bila pintu hidayah terbuka untuk aku. kesian mak bapak aku. diorang tak tau pun mcm mana fucked-upnya hidup aku kat sini. diorang ingat aku bolehlah diharapkan untuk masa depan. aku pun tak tau camna nak face the future. mcm org bodoh. fucking hate it but act like it. teman aku ni syaitan ke? aku tak nak tapi kalau orang boleh nampak benda ghaib mungkin kot. aku betul-betul menipu diri aku sendiri. roh aku tersiksa, tak tau la camna kalau aku mati nanti. aku harap aku sempat bertaubat b4 aku mati. apsal tak buat sekarang? kalau menengokkan bilik aku ni, aku tak tau la. mmg aku merosakkan diri aku sendiri. right now, i want to see my parents. that's all i want. i hope i do feel belonged.

Today was great. Temperature was about 50 F. Isn’t that nice? What did I do today? Basically:

9.00 am – 9.30 am Woke up, shower.
9.30 am – 9.50 am Quick revision of 4102.
9.50 am – 10.00 am Walked to school. Stopped at Williamson Bookstore to buy a new calculator.
10.00 am – 10.10 am Reached class. Already started. McClurg taught about numerical methods and project.
11.00 am – 11.15 am Second class. Exam was going to start in 15 minutes. Took a glimpse of practice test did yesterday. Was not confident enough to score.
11.15 am – 12.05 pm Schmidt came with TAs. Giving out exam papers. 7 questions. I was blank on the spot. Lost, disappointed. Read the first question. Don’t have any idea how. Skip first question. Second question: D.E. why the hell the concentration was negative? Wrong. Fuck it. Third question: slurry? Fuck. 4th-7th: catalyst? What reaction was that? Damn lost. No common sense at all. Shit. I was so fucked up. Couldn’t think about it and didn’t want to see that bullshitting paper anymore. Come on, time’s up. come on.
12.05 pm -12.10 pm Schmidt announced: OK, time’s up. Pass you paper to the sides. Gosh, have a nice weekend for me. Walked out from the class with Zaza. Tried not to talk about it. Told her I was going to pray-Friday prayer. Skipped 4121 today.
12.15 pm- 12.20 pm On the way home. Met Hillary (my 4003 classmate this semester. She took IE5441 with me last summer) near Norris Library. Told her that the exam was hard (or I didn’t prepare much). “Did you skip class today?’
12.25 pm – 12.50 pm Got home. Kobe was sleeping in his room, I thought. Opened my computer. Saw Nizam and Mamat online. He greeted me first with assalam. Told him to give the salaam properly. Lastly I wrote the salaam properly to him. Nizam had a brief chat with me like he was not interested to talk. I saw my MCKK friend now a student in IC London, FBI, online. Greeted him. Asked him about his coming Easter holiday. “Suck, I’ll have exam after that.” (P/s: my exam sucked me today).
12.50 pm – 12.55 pm Told everybody I’m going to perform my Friday prayer. FBI wrote: Maghrib?Reply: Jumaat. Stopped conversation. Went to bathroom to take wudu’ or ablution. Walked to the mosque nearby with ketayap.
1.00 pm – 1.10 pm Reached the mosque. The khatib almost finished with his first khutbah. Sat quietly, listening to the second khutbah about Hijrah, Palestinian, Israel, what Muslims should do. The end of the world is near. Prepare for the awakening.
1.17 pm – 1.35 pm Friday prayer started. Just 2 raka’ats. Perform solat sunat. Shook hands with Asad Abdul-Khaliq (U of M quaterback). Walked home with Lalat and Izrin. Asked Lalat why he didn’t come to class today? Said, he woke near 10 but Mamat was long in th shower. Nevermind, he said. Told him about the project. Izrin told me he wanted to go to Smith to ask a question to his TA. Then go Target Downtown. At first wanted to follow him. Met Amilin, Zack, Pyan and Fazrul. Amilin said they want to go to have lunch at Somalia. Agreed to go. Shouted to Izrin, plan cancelled. Went into Zack’s building. Fazrul parked his car at Zack’s building parking lot. Pyan took his stuff from Fazrul’s car. I thought he came with us. Nope. Zack didn’t come with us because he has to work at 3 o’clock. Amilin teased me, “Afraid of your junior?” Nonsense. Got into Fazrul’s car. Moved on.
1.40 pm “It’s spring already. Open the car’s hood”. Went to Lokman’s house. Lokman came with us
1.45 pm – 2.00 pm Chatting in the car. Lokman said that time moved fast. Quite agree. To Somalia restaurant (old). Road was a bit busy: lunch hour. Difficult to find parking behind restaurant. Luckily got one. Got into restaurant. Greeted by a waiter, a Somalian. “What to order? We have chicken legs, chicken steak, etc” he said with his hands tried to explain what kind of food they served. Amilin ordered chicken legs with fried rice. So did I.
2.00 pm - 2.45 pm What was our conversation during lunch? Didn’t remember. Paid with cc. Went out. One Somalian kid fell on ice. He was all right. Walked to fazrul’s car. Shit, my ketayap was dropped in mud! Fuck! Fuck! Need to buy a new one. Didn’t take it. Got into car. Move.
3.00 pm- 4.00 pm Not exactly the exact time. Went to United Noodles, an oriental store here. Bought soy drinks, a pack of noodles, coconut drinks, roti canai instant. I like this because I could get the cooking stuffs I need. Took a tour around the store. Joked about pork: Babi goleng, babi golenglah! There was one Malaysian Chinese work there. Talked with her about durian. Checked out. Went home.
4.00 pm – 5.00 pm Entered home. Saw Kobe lying on sofa. Asked him if he’s OK? Gave him one soymilk. Clean room a bit. Did nothing. Opened computer. Checked, email, searched for new movie in Kazaa. Downloading spyware software. Cleaned computer for crap files. Lay on bed. Slept.

After this? Let’s say I didn’t sleep until 5 am.

Right now, I want to live. I don’t want to feel the pain of death inside my brain, my heart and me. Today is Tuesday. As yesterday, I don’t do anything interesting that could get me out of this boredom. I feel myself some kinda loser. Hate to admit it but that what I think I am at this moment. Here, I sit on front of my computer and typing all these bullshit that I think could make me feel good. To tell the truth, I don’t think it could change me a bit. But, instead of doing nothing, I write something.

I escaped lectures and recitations since yesterday. I don’t feel like attending classes. If I’m working, I’ll be fired straight away. There’s no enthusiasm in life anymore. Going to the same place all the time with the same thing happens over and over again. I hate to get the note from other people, for which I did only to Zaza. I blame myself for causing her that trouble but I have no idea of correcting myself right now. Sometimes, I wonder, where the hell my guts have gone? How am I going to stand up in this forceful and cruel world?

I woke up and listening to songs that I downloaded from the Internet. There are a few songs that I really like to listen, so I play them over and over again for hours. I don’t know whether my housemate feel offended with it. I never asked. If I asked, he said he hears nothing. Like the phone also, there’s no use for me to pick it up because everybody is asking, “Is Kobe there?” My respond is, “He’s not here.” If I’m lucky I could still prolong the conversation like, “You want to leave a message for him?” If they don’t hang up that fast. Usually they are.

Since last week, I try to finish my homework, which are not finished yet. I hate homework because I don’t know how to do it. Prof or TA’s office seem so distant to me. Hey, I don’t even attend classes, and what do you guys expect? Tomorrow’s lab seems quite a head-spinning one. For me, at least. I hope my lab partner does get the message that I emailed him. I don’t pick up my exams yet, which I don’t expect I’ll be on average because I didn’t fucking know how to do it. I did the exercises and they were all fine. Why the hell I couldn’t do the exam? I’m so damn disappointed for along time. I feel crushed, stupid, betrayed, nonchalant or what fuck it is. I am drowned in my own stupidity and stubbornness. I feel dumb. Unlucky and dumb.

I want to go out now because I want sunlight to touch my skin. I want to get myself some relaxation. I want to write something meaningful and happy after this. No more blaming and negative thinking. No more….

I woke up today with something tingling inside that I couldn’t tell anybody. Something private that I want to keep secret from anybody. It’s Saturday today and as usual I don’t know what to do. For successful people, they will not wake up with nothing in their heads. If you read all those motivational books, I can point you one where it is written. I want to do something just I really have no plan of what to do today. Make up something? Finish my HW first. That’s the most important.

Yesterday’s movie “Sorority Boys” was such a pure laughter. With all those teen to young adults jokes, I can’t barely shut my mouth from laughing. Especially this one scene where these two fake women fought using two penis swords. Kinda gross but if you see it yourself, I can’t describe the hilarity of that scene. Maybe this film is not appropriate for everybody but I already watched it.

OK, stop talking about that. What else? Yeah, I chatted with my sister yesterday. I don’t want to talk in detail about it. Basically, just a few things that I want to know about my family like are they OK, this and that. They were chatting with somebody else which I already get rid of that habit years before. The cure is, try to chat for the whole day and you feel it makes bored to death. I quit easily after I tried that and not chatting for about 1 or 2 years. Now, if I chat, it’s not going to be long. For fun. For a while.

Lalat is still not coming home from his trip to Arizona. I need him for the 4003 HW. He’s going to return today. I hope I could finish the homework before Monday.

Tonight is Thursday night. For all those crazy spring breakers, this must be a haunting moment because it going to be over. For me, why it's not going to be another week? And why the fuck there is homework given b4 the holiday started. Ah, I’m not a child anymore coz that's what adults do. As we, adults always say to children," Do Your Job" and here I am not doing anything beneficial. Time looks at me as rubbish without doing anything good at all. Really? Think again. It’s me who knows what I am and what I’m doing. Luckily I still know my boundary and that's what human is. Knowing what you're doing or if you don't know anything, knows your boundary. This week, I have good time and bad time. Both are going to be memories because they already were. Still, I’m uncertain with my future because based on my experiences, I don' t know how to carry out my life with these miserable and cloudy thing around me. What are they? Whatever that gives me discomfort. As a result of that I’m listening to a song over and over again. It was a good song but listening to it for nearly ten times in an hour makes me or even somebody else thinks that what's wrong with you. Get a variation. Ok, I click for another song so that I happy and the other part that questioning my behavior is also happy. But this shakira's underneath your clothes is really sensational. Slow in rhythm but the lyric is good and her voice is very good.

I woke up early today because yesterday when I chat with my brother, he told me my mom wanted to talk to me. Usually I called when it's evening in Malaysia but yesterday, I went out with some friends to sty. Paul science museum (first time in my 3 years living here). I was so tired yesterday especially after watching 'riding in cars with boys' video and hurling the strong wind to catch the bus home. Luckily I woke up early. Maybe I t was because of determination to call my mother and because it's been about 2 weeks I didn't call my family. The conversation was always the same with me not talking too much and my mother asking this and that although the question format was pretties the same from the last time. There was nothing interesting for both of us to tell. That’ s why our conversation was so dull and perhaps if the operator hear and understand our conversation, he or she just shaken his/her head because one could say the conversation like this should have ended in 5 minutes instead of 10-15 minutes.I don't blame my family because of the dull conversation between us. It was because on phone, everything seems so shallow. No such good expression that could impress both parties. Especially when I’m not a good talker myself. (Note to self: change the mood of conversation. How?)

Aarrrggghhh... crap!!! It’s always being like that. Always crappy motivational things in my head but the result are always upside down. Hate it. Hate it because I never feel so much stupid like this before. But, I think my life is not that bad. Bad moments always happen. They’re all spices of life. I had lots of them before and maybe this is the time God gives me to revise my life or to make me stronger in making decision or handling things on my own. Hey, the things that don't make you die will make you stronger. Or the other side of it, it makes you really sick. Who knows right? Well, I think I don't to be carried away by this fucking troubled homework or results because if I want to live, there's a way to carry on life. Look around. Life isn't bad after all. It isn't bad at all. It’s FAIR!

Right now, what I’m thinking is I want to get over with my HW and get rid of this semester!

hari ni hari sabtu. semalam ada exam which i did not do very well. good luck to me, heh! i'm so bored today because supposed i have to be out of state or anywhere warm for this fucking spring break. but, i don' go anywhere. nevermind, that's nothing. if the times come for me to travel, i will go. for sure i'll go home this summer for three months. doing what at home? God knows. i think of doing some shopping today. yesterday i went to MOA with pyan, lalat and zaid (RPIan batch mamat). i just bought a perfume, which smelled good to me. another story, there will be a briefing for petronas scholars next month in indianapolis and they said the atteandance is compulsory. i plan o fgoing there by flight on friday because what's the use i go there on thursday? no good reason whatsoever. and i want to return home as soon as possible on sunday. well, it just a damn fucking boring thing that the HRM does for every fucking year. this year, i could say it doesn't have any fucking importance to me as i'm not going to graduate soon.

after the fucking analytical lab exam yesterday, i was so fed up that i asked lalat and hasnor to have lunch wih me. so, we went to village wok, a chinese restaurant in U area. at frst i ordered large walleye but they said it wasn't available. so i ordered 2 small walleyes which were the size of an adult cat each. luckily there were three of us. although hasnor did not each much, lalat and i managed to finished the meal. what could i say of typical chinese dishes is that it's oily and don't forget the chinese restaurant syndrome that i learnt from high school chemistry. for me, if there's a malay restaurant nearby, i would go there everyday, except when i am out of money.

fuck today and whenever i feel bad. thank goodness, i know to write a little english, although i'm not that fluent in speaking. what to talk? nothing...nothing whatsoever. i already escaped class for these two weeks. the laziness has already conquered my nerves. i'm letting myself down with it. who the fuck care, right? when i looked around, with the messy room and all those non-living things scattered on my bedrom floor, i feel messed myself. i have a history of been very tidy person but now, as i live by myself, i don't know how to manage myself anymore. so fucked up that even a slight ray of light at the end of the tunnel can't get through my cloudy head.

in my windows messenger, i saw my brother's name online. i contacted him for a while but he seemed not interested chatting with me. and my decision is, if he id not want to talk to me, why the care i should chat with him? i don t know what he's going to do after my parents die. i don't want that happens but in reality, no one can escape death. eh, tetiba ram message aku yang anas ajak tengok wayang kat mall. aku in microseconds setuju. nanti aku tulis lagi.

hari ni aku cuba nak buat HW tapi tak kesampaian. so, balik dari rumah hasnor, aku tengok movie yang aku download dari morpheus. aku dah tengok amelie, monster's ball, kung pow, dan sekarang a beautiful mind. man, orang yang kena schizophrenia ni payah, always have nightmares haunting them. so, aku kira sympathy jugak kat john nash ni. life tak selalunya best. and nobody will ever appreaciate others until "the" time comes. respect gak la isteri dia sebab sabar. anyway, dalam seminggu ni, aku tak rasa apa yang aku belajar masuk kepala, aku beli tiket balik m'sia, and cuaca makin sejuk. i called home a few times, talked with my family. all were there. OK, lega sekejap lepas telefon. aku balik 3 bulan terus. what to do during this summer? i don't know yet. best jugak semalam berborak dengan hasnor dengan amilin. mengabihkan masa malam sabtu. selalunya gi rumah pyan, tengok video but bila memikirkan aku ada rumah gak, terasa semacam pulak. kesimpulannya, whatever la. lain hari lain cerita. exam...flunk. as always. crap. fikir-fikir balik, apa silapnya? kalau aku tahu pun, how to correct that? and the question of HOW, basically takes time to resolve by my own effort. tomorrow is monday. back to class, babey.

aku ada la bace 2-3 blog orang. ada yang best, ada yang tak. which one suits yourself, you feel OK to read it. aku ada HW yang nak buat. aku student kat U. life? fikir-fikir balik takde la boring sangat. just always divert to do things that i'm not supposed to do. concentration = nil. sebenarnya, aku pun tak tau ada ke tak gunanya aku mengarang benda-benda macam ni. aku dah lama tak mengarang, sejak abih SPM. sekarang, kalau nak tulih ape-ape, kreativiti tu kurang dah. bahasa pun main poyo je. anyway, aku orang pahang. dari bahagian mana aku datang, takde kepentingan nak beritahu kat korang. so, apa yang aku tulis ni, lebih kurang dengan apa yang aku cakap la. takde loghat sebab loghat kawasan aku datang ni almost near the normal malay conversation slang. right now, idea off pulak. esok-esok la aku tulis lagi.